Oh.

So, maybe I have finally figured out what I want.

And that is supposed to be good.

Why isn't it yet?

Leopard Tears

Who the fuck are you to leave me behind?
I'm so mad at you for being older.

But my face is bright red and splotchy, and it's important to say that I am so, so happy for you.

I just feel too much like Charlie.

And you've got to find me soon, because I have things to tell to you.

Well.

Daydreamin'

But not too loud, cause the baby is sleepin'--
I wonder if it knows what the world is keepin'
up both sleeves while he lay there dreamin'.

Someday I will learn to censor myself. I will learn the importance of doing what you are told, acting how you are told, being what you are told. I am all too good at getting lost in what I am thinking and forgetting the rest.

Reality is becoming less and less real to me.

I don't know what I am thinking ever.
There's a disconnect between myself and I.
Tyler Durden, meet Jack's broken heart.

The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club.

I don't know what I'm doing.

It is like living your entire life knowing a person and realizing at their wake that you never got their name.

Well.
Not really, but that is how I am thinking right now.

I don't think humans are supposed to be nocturnal.
I must be an owl.

Maybe I love you, but maybe you're immune.

7. The fights go on as long as they have to.

So I will... what.
Wait?

I will fight.

Because I think after all of this time, I have figured myself out.
So here I go.

_______, the Terrible

Maybe I love you, but maybe you're immune.
Unkempt and secret and so tragically preoccupied.
I am caught between your eyes and the wall,
suspended in time like formaldehyde in your head.

Everything all the time,
but it races through my veins faster than you ever did.

Thursday.

What a mess am I.

I look for omens in skinned knees and spilled coffee, but forget it all when I see you.
What does it take to stay convinced?
I am always, always, always catching myself and trying to figure it out.

I have trouble saying what I mean to, but I can use up all of everything trying to get it across.

What do I mean by anything ever?

He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out!

Why am I attracted to dangerous situations?
Why is it so hard to remind myself not to jump?
Why can't I accept things at face value?

Oh well, oh well, oh well.
Someday I'll work it out, maybe.

I think I just think too much.

{Hey, listen!}

Oops!

I once kissed a boy because he was pretending to be the red Power Ranger, and I was pretending to be the pink one.

I once kissed a boy because he was pretending to be Batman, and I was pretending to be Poison Ivy.

I once kissed a boy because he was pretending to be in love with me, and I was pretending to be in love with him, too.

I once kissed a girl because she was really sad, and I promised I could make her feel better.
(It worked, too.)

I mean to say that I've kissed a lot of people in my day. I can't remember why that was significant, but it made me laugh.

Good morning, Monday.
I'm not ready for you yet. There is so much I should be doing, and even more I could be doing, and frankly I do not know where this night is heading. Someday I will learn how to accomplish the things I am supposed to when I am supposed to. Until then, happy after hours.

What is one to do when you can't remember if the dream you are having is familiar because it is actually a movie or if it's just becoming a recurring dream? I am growing tired of having deja vu while asleep. It just makes me feel uneasy and even more unsure whether reality is only happening in my head.

Oh, hello, Emergency Alert System. We meet again. The night owls of the living room. It is always a pleasure when our paths cross and you scream at me.

That's it. I'm not operating at full capacity.
I am loading up on cough drops and pulling a not-quite-all-nighter because procrastination is second nature.

Can this count as my reccomended daily dose of articulacy, Thinh?

But, baby, take a bow: my heart is going "Oops!" right now!

Creature of Habit

...and creature of forgetfulness, apathy, envy, confusion.

The Reigning Queen of Mixed Messages.

But, hey, it's alright! It's okay. I just keep it to myself.

Who am I to say anything about anyone, let alone me? A vast majority of the time, I have no idea what I am thinking, what I am feeling. I keep myself from falling asleep at night trying so desperately to figure out how one would tie a necktie out of paper. I wonder if you will marry her and if I will marry him or if marriage is even a thought I would like to entertain.

All too frequently, I am not in control of my thoughts.

Schizophrenia is only 50% inheritable after all, Sam.

Did you know that I was born with a heart murmur?
Yeah, me neither.

Oh well, though.

I am a professional at moving on and changing my mind and who knows when it will finally stop? And then I think about it,



...and I realize I don't want my mind to stop changing. I don't mind tying up loose ends every time my heart forgets to close the door. I don't mind spending weeks thinking up a storm and pulling the rug out from under myself. (and yet I still can't do cartwheels.) I don't mind floating. That is what I am good at.

Floating and lion-yawning and falling.
{I am very good at falling.}

I am just scared that I will always look before I jump.
That I will never really ask advice for the advice, just permission to do what I knew I should've.

There is always something.

Right?
Right you are!

For now, ambiguity is all that I can muster, but I am brimming with specifics.

Someday,
I will find another something stupid to say, and I will scream it with all of everything I have ever known behind it.

I just don't know yet.
I'm just sitting on the shelf.

(angst!)